The Eternal Childhood of Newt Gingrich

Newt Gingrich

Recent polls suggest Newt Gingrich, last of the not-Romneys, will not be able to sustain the surge of popularity that won him a surprise victory in the South Carolina primary a week ago. It seems that despite receiving one of the largest campaign contributions in U.S. historyfrom corrupt billionaire Sheldon Adelson, there are too many voters who look past the soaring egotism of Gingrich’s rhetoric and see the real Newt.


Newt Gingrich

But who exactly is the real Newt? There have been a number of journalists who have tried to place themselves inside Gingrich’s formidably sized head, or see what lies in his heart besides thickly lined walls of fat and cholesterol. They have all come to varied, though often negative, conclusions: Newt is bipolar, Newt is an egomaniac, Newt is an emotionless political operator, and so it goes. While there are degrees of truth to all these assessments, I believe the media has missed what strikes me as the man’s most salient quality: He is a child, somewhere between the ages of 10 and 15, who is suffering from the disease that Robin Williams had in Jack.

You may find this claim to be incredulous, and ask how a man with the mind of a child could possibly become such a prominent political figure. By making this claim you would of course reveal that you have no knowledge of politics, an occupation that contains major party senate candidates that justify their credentials with statements like “I’m the man. I’m the man. I’m the man. Greene’s the man. I’m the man. I’m the greatest person ever”.



The Alvin Greene’s of the world aside, I do realize that I will have to factually back up my claims of a high profile political figure having the mental capacity of a young boy or high functioning retard. Luckily the evidence is overwhelmingly on my side, in fact there’s so much of it I don’t really know where to begin.

Newt has the interests of a child

“I wake up in the morning and I know that somewhere there’s a cookie. I don’t know where it is but I know it’s mine and I have to go find it.” – Newt Gingrich

This remark, made in a speech to small business owners, is how Newt describes the way he lives his life. If this was the only time Gingrich mentioned a childlike desire then I would chalk it up to just an awkward metaphor and nothing else, but judging by his other remarks, and porcine build, he quite literally just wants a cookie.



Newt’s quest for baked goods isn’t the only thing he shares with kids, he also likes dinosaurs, I mean really likes dinosaurs. He has a well document fascination with the prehistoric beasts and considers himself an amateur paleontologist. He also took time off from an election bid to dig for fossils, pouting and becoming morose when it didn’t look like he would find any. At one point in time he even had a tyrannosaurus rex skull in his office and has many times opined sentiments like “why not aspire to build a real Jurassic Park?

I suppose Newt can’t really be blamed for these childish wants, as they don’t necessarily impede his ability to do his job, and to be fair cookies and dinosaurs are pretty awesome. Where Newt’s childishness begins to become a concern is when it poses a threat to peoples tax dollars, and more importantly – lives.

Such is the case when it comes to Gingrich’s ideas for foreign policy and national defense. While most sane people base their security views on such tenets as realism or liberalism, Newt chose another route. His foreign policy can probably be best summed up in two words: Space, and Lasers.


Gingrich has long been an advocate of technology designed to shoot airborne lasers at missiles headed towards the States. This would indeed be cool, if it were not scientifically impossible and a failed program that is currently 4 billion dollars over budget. In spite of these realities Gingrich has kept the program alive, presumably because no one in charge of it has the heart to crush his boyhood spirit.


Another facet of Gingrich’s policy is his much-publicized advocacy of “Moon bases” that would be American and permanently manned. One can only speculate that behind the scenes Gingrich describes this plan as thus:
“It’ll be so cool you guys! They’ll be like ‘we hate America cause we’re fucking stupid’ and then we’ll be like ‘activate the moon base!’ and the moon base will be all like ‘byuuuwoooop! ksh-ksh-ksh!’ and then the plane with lasers will fly from the moon and be like ‘tzoo! tzoo!’ and the terrorists will totally die into the sea or something! And then we’ll go back to our base, on the Moon”


How Newt sees himself

There are few better ways into a persons mind than through the writings and drawings that they believe to be solely for personal use. These documents show a person candidly and without emotional filters. It’s no surprise then that when Newt had a series of sketches and notes he made during a senate hearing subpoenaed and made public record, that they turned out to be the work of a toddler.



The doodles, which were published in Slate, show a man who is either dangerously insane or an 11 year old with delusions of grandeur. Amongst the doodles there is a section entitled “possible names for myself” which includes such gems as “civilizer of the free world”, “defender of civilization”, and other titles which we may have come up for ourselves if we ate too much chocolate at recess and pretended we were a superhero. Another page even includes a stick figure with energy arrows shooting out of it and the caption “Newt action”.


Either a child or a psychopath

The evidence I have listed above is just the tip of the penis when it comes to Newt’s immaturity. There are thousands of examples to be drawn from speeches, personal accounts, statements from ex-wives and girlfriends, and Gingrich’s own writings. I appeal to you that given all these facts, Newt Gingrich either is a young boy trapped inside the fleshy deteriorating body of an old man, or he is severely mentally unsound. I say this because calling yourself a “defender of civilization” and advocating space lasers, while treating people as playthings and being obsessed with dinosaurs is either something a petulant child does, or it is padded cell, writing-in-feces, insane.


It’s up to you which to believe, but personally I prefer to see Gingrich not as a cretinous old letch but as a stubborn kid whose tantrums are tolerable as long as they don’t break anything. Ultimately, I can suffer Gingrich the child better than Gingrich the adult (as long as he has no chance of holding office), because at 68 and with a heart that could burst at any time, it’s not long before he heads to his final time-out.