French Bulldogs hold a specific place in the dog world as one of the most fetishized and meme-worthy of breeds. Usually ensconced in some ridiculous get up and staring back at us with their big dumb lovable eyes, they make habitual appearances on sites like Buzzfeed or Reddit, and belong to the triumvirate of fawned over internet dogs that includes Corgis and Pugs. But unlike those other two breeds, Frenchies, as they’re affectionately known, happen to be the spawn of pure evil. Please, let me explain.
Many breeds of dog are bred for a specific purpose – Border Collies are singled out for their herding abilities, hounds for their scent and tracking, and Golden Retrievers are sometimes chosen just based on disposition alone to be used as companions for PTSD victims. The Frenchie is obviously a small breed, and like many diminutive breeds (outside of the vermin-hunting terriers) they don’t really have a specific skill or use – their purpose, if they have one, is to amuse us.
But while if Border Collies stopped being good herders the breed would undoubtedly continue, due to the nature of French Bulldogs, if the breed ever fails to entertain us, it’s very possible it will rapidly cease to exist. This is because what goes into producing French Bulldogs is unique, as they’re not so much bred as they are made.
The horrible secret behind Frenchies is that they can’t naturally procreate, their x’s and o’s just don’t line up and try as they might their odd little bodies can properly intertwine. Each and every one of them has to be artificially inseminated by the hand or turkey baster of man. Through selective breeding humanity created the Frenchie, prized for it’s hilarious and pathetic features, but in the tradeoff we made an unnatural abomination.
We’ve engineered a creature that cannot fend for itself, reproduce, or really do much of anything but trot around in playful ineptitude. The French Bulldog can’t even give birth without our assistance, with nearly all puppies delivered through caesarean due to their abnormally large heads and the females small hips. Nature does not want these animals to live, but through our force of will and demand for their stupid cartoon features, we have made them so. The french bulldog is an example of playing God in the most involved way possible, manually forcing creation of each individual animal.
If this wasn’t bad enough, the process of creating Frenchies has resulted in innumerable health problems including breathing difficulty, skin disease, and a predilection to heatstroke that causes the breed to become “confused” and have “diarrhea” at the drop of a hat, according to the French Bulldog Club of America. These defects are especially pronounced in the Frenchies that have been selectively bred to exhibit what’s pejoratively regarded as a “fad” color, because apparently we thought it would be funnier if we made them look like miniature Rottweilers and we didn’t take “please don’t, this will kill them” for an answer.
Now that this beast we’ve created exists, it’s tough to know what exactly we should do with it. If left to its own devices the breed would naturally die out, but should we let it? Is more humane to let this breed fade away or is it now our burden to take care of this useless animal we’ve brought into existence? Whatever society decides is the case, we should admit that in making the french bulldog we have committed a terrible sin.