Tabloids across the United Kingdom have recently been gripped by what is surely one of the most deeply odd stories ever reported. It’s a macabre tale of dwarves, pornography, Gordon Ramsay, and Badgers: It is the strange death of Percy Foster.
Oh, there will be Badgers.
A month ago, 39 year old actor Percy Foster was alive and well. He was in good spirits having just “ordered a new BMW” after cashing the paycheck from a starring role his first production. The film in question was Hi-Ho Hi-Ho It’s Up Your Arse We Go, a title that makes much more sense when one understands that Percy Foster was not a traditional actor, but a dwarf porn star.
Also seen in the deleted scenes of Snow White, deemed “too provocative” for mainstream audiences.
He had rose to fame in this exceedingly niche market for his uncanny resemblance to celebrity chef Gordon Ramsay. Since there are apparently multitudes of people who watch Hell’s Kitchen and think of masturbating to a miniaturized version of it’s host, producers felt they had struck gold when they discovered Percy.
They do bear a little resemblance… in fact there’s no shortage of similarities, maybe only tiny differences.
Finding work is a challenge that faces many people affected with dwarfism, and thus when offered a notable sum of money for work as a porn star, Percy felt he would be remiss not to take the job. It was then that he entered the world of dwarf pornography, an industry that proves the old axiom “there are no small parts, only small actors” in its most anatomical sense.
It seemed like Percy was poised to become a fixture in his field and perhaps even a minor celebrity, but as his director recently stated, “he was a little guy with big problems”. While friends say he may have been troubled, neither they nor anyone else could possibly fathom what fate had in store for the diminutive star.
Didn’t see that one coming, did you?
Workers for the Ministry of Agriculture found Percy Foster dead during a survey of land for a planned Badger gassing program in Tregaron, West Wales. Deep in the Badger’s den was the body – half eaten and identifiable only by fingerprints. It is a gruesome and dark end to the life of Percy Foster that leaves us with literally endless questions.
How did the star wind up in the badger’s den? Was it murder? Suicide? And what is a “Badger-gassing program”? These are queries we may never have the answer to, and only serve in contributing to the public fascination that has emerged in this grotesque story.
But as more facts of this incident steadily roll in, the time is now to wonder – is this simply a tragic accident or a chilling portent of things to come? Perhaps this is just the first in a string of animal related murders of food network look-a-likes, with river otters savagely drowning a miniature Bobby Flay and dwarf Guy Fieri being torn apart by eagles. It may sound far-fetched, but after what happened to Percy Foster, it’s logical to assume that absolutely anything is possible.
While only time will tell if this prediction comes true, what we can do in the present is try to process this truly bizarre story and more importantly mourn the death of Percy Foster, a man for whom life was just too short.
R.I.P. Percy Foster – 1972-2011